We invented a thing...


The Killers' Choice Coffee Research Lab is a hive of activity, an underground, secret hive of sometimes questionable activity, but let's not argue in the face of success.

The renowned Doctor Pretorius leads our team of dedicated coffee researchers who've proven time and again they will stop at nothing to bring you the ultimate in tasty coffee experience. Fritz and Igor have been with us since the beginning. Igor tested many of our early attempts at blending particular chemical and biological agents before we really knew what the long-term effects of exposure to these agents could be. We keep him on now out of a sense of loyalty to such a stalwart employee. He's also quite useful in encouraging new “test” subjects. Dr. P. is working on “the hump” and other maladies, but you can rest assured that our spice blends will cause you no such deformities. We owe a great debt to Igor for his sacrifice and showing us the way. Spanish Fly is not a coffee enhancement.

Our main areas of research have been in roasting techniques and botanicals. We have engaged in certain pharmaceutical trials, but the current legislative landscape makes any marketing of such compounds premature.

Our latest endeavors have resulted in the creation of a new form of coffee flavoring agent, that of the “Coffee Mulling Spice Blend.” Mulled Coffee® is our own invention based upon the traditions of mulling things like wine and cider. It really grew out of a desire to make the undrinkable coffee of the Civil War and Post Civil war eras actually drinkable. One of the greatest privations ever suffered was the poor quality of American Coffee in the 1860s. It's no wonder we had a war. Our mulling spice blends make bad coffee good and good coffee a wonderful new experience.

Our first offering is called “Devil's Harvest®,” a blend of chicory root, red peppercorns, cinnamon bark, ginger root, and cloves (sometimes referred to as Satan's toenails). It is a stimulating and refreshing blend offering a delightful alternative to the insipidly sweet flavoring syrups with which coffeedom has so long been afflicted. One should take a scoopful of Coffee Mulling Spice and add it to one's normal brewing regimen, adding more or less to taste as revealed by experimentation. While one may use Mulled Coffee Spice in any conventional brewing technique, our research indicates optimal results are obtained through methods involving longer steeping times. Apparatuses like the french press are best, but traditional percolators yield good results as well. Standard issue drip-style coffee makers will work, but setting should be made to yield the darkest brew possible. Your results may vary.

Future offerings will be presented as they pass our rigorous clinical trials. We hope to have our blend provisionally labeled, “It Came From Outer Spice®,” a Space Coffee Glogg®, ready for release by Flag Day. It is a blend containing juniper berries and other spices which will be especially fortifying in warmer weather. And as the weather turns cool and thoughts turn to spookier things, we should have available for purchase our “Jack-o-Lantern Spice®,” a horrifyingly good alternative for adults who enjoy traditional pumpkin spice, but who don't need the diabetes. And we are already hard at work on a winter holiday blend which will warm your cockles. Nobody likes chilly cockles.

– Dr. B. Adenoid, PhCD, DCS, AAA (member)

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Product Research Form
Which of the following spices/flavors tickle your fancy?
Which of the following spices/flavors make your fancy a bit itchy and painful?
How do you brew your coffee?
How do you drink your coffee?

Really? Okay, whatever you say.